A Load Of Old Tripe by Gervase Phinn

Author:Gervase Phinn [Phinn, Gervase]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780141930961
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2009-10-10T23:00:00+00:00

5

THE LAST LAUGH

Mrs Sculthorpe gave one of her famous smiles. It stretched from ear to ear like the grinning frog in the tank on the nature table. When she stopped smiling we expected to see lipstick on her ears. Next to her was a pale, blond-haired boy with blue eyes.

‘Will you all look this way, please,’ said Mrs Sculthorpe. ‘And that includes you, Michael Sidebottom. Thank you. Now, this morning we have a new addition to our class.’ She turned in the direction of the new boy and her smile seemed to stretch even wider. ‘This is Jean-Paul. He doesn’t speak very much English because he’s from another country, so you will all have to speak slowly for him to understand you. Now Jean-Paul is only with us for a couple of weeks but during that time I am sure you will all make him feel at home.’

‘Where’s he from, miss?’ asked Valerie Harper, her hand waving like a daffodil in the wind.

‘I’m just about to tell you, Valerie dear, if you’ll let me finish,’ said the teacher sharply.

The new boy stared around the room with a blank expression on his face. If I’d been up there in front of the whole class with all those eyes on me I’d have been bright red. But he just stood there as calm as anything. I don’t suppose he understood a word Mrs Sculthorpe was saying.

‘Can anyone guess which country Jean-Paul comes from? His name should give you a clue.’

‘Is he from Wales, miss?’ asked Valerie Harper.

‘No, he’s not from Wales,’ replied Mrs Sculthorpe.

‘Is he from Ireland, miss?’ asked Kevin Murphy. ‘My cousin’s from Ireland and she’s got a funny name. My dad says my Uncle Sean wants his head examining calling her that.’

‘Jean-Paul is not a funny name, Kevin. In fact it’s quite a common name in his country.’

‘Miss, my cousin’s name is Attracta,’ Kevin Murphy went on.

‘Blimey!’ Barry Bannister piped up. ‘Fancy calling somebody a tractor! What’s her brother called – a combine harvester?’

‘No!’ spluttered Kevin. ‘Not a tractor like the one you drive around a farm. It’s all one word – Attracta.’

‘That will do, Kevin. Now Jean-Paul is not from Ireland. People from Ireland speak English.’

‘Miss,’ persisted Kevin, ‘that’s not what my dad says. He says he can’t understand a word they say when we visit my Auntie Monica in Dublin.’

‘Thank you very much, Kevin. I think we’ve heard quite enough about your Irish relations.’ Mrs Sculthorpe looked around the class. I just knew what she would say next. ‘Shall we ask Ignatius?’ she said.

Ignatius Plunket rubbed his chin and swept the curtain of dusty brown hair from his forehead. ‘Jean-Paul could be from France,’ he said, ‘and then again he could be from Belgium. There is a possibility he’s from Switzerland, although most people there speak German, or he might be from Luxembourg or Monaco.’

‘Well, you were right first time, Ignatius,’ Mrs Sculthorpe told him. ‘Jean-Paul is from France.’

The teacher turned to the new boy and did an imitation of a frog again.

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